A Little Self-Reflecting

I wish I could find a happy medium between living in Ottawa and being at home. When I’m home, I feel an inner peace that I don’t have while I’m away. I’d like to find a school that’s closer but if I was to do that then I’d have to move back home. And the idea of spending all my life is not the most appealing. Living with African parents is hard, mine aren’t necessarily “strict”, but I can’t be social and do certain things. Being able to be independent is really important to me but I can’t do that while I’m at home. There’s also a different kind of pressure on my mental health while I’m home and that’s the result of a lot pressure I get from my mother. She’s very honest and real with me and sometimes it’s just too much to bear. The relationship I have with my father is almost non-existent and that’s a strange thing to endure when you live with him. Even though my parents are technically married and live together, I still feel like I was raised by a single mother. My mom is such a pure person and I want things to be better for her but at this point in my life, there’s not much I can do. That’s hard to accept but knowing that I’ll be able to truly help her in the near future is what comforts me for now.

I love being on my own in Ottawa because I have complete freedom. But I get so homesick at times, I find it hard to function. And because I don’t have that many good friends there, it was hard to adjust. I think that was why I always tried to distract myself with guys. Now I’m in a weird predicament where I know this person isn’t good for me but I’ve grown a kind of dependence on them. I don’t know if it’s a genuine connection that will last until I go back and that can grow into an actual relationship or it’s just a heavy case of lust. But that I won’t know until I see him again. If I see him again.

Anyways, I’m slowly coming to realize that a lot of my inner issues are the result of pressure that I put on myself. I find it so easy to empathize with others that it can end up putting myself in a bad spot. I do a lot of things for others and beat myself wanting certain things instead of actually taking the time to reflect on what’s important for me. If I want something then I should do it, and not feel bad about doing so.

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